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For much of the latter part of last week, I debated about what I would post about today. Since it’s Valentine’s Day I figured I would write something related to the holiday. Last year, I wrote about some of the reasons people hate this day, so that idea was out. Then I thought about my current relationship status (single like a dollar bill) and whether the idea of others engaging in lovey dovey acts on this day and for the rest of the week bothered me. Sure, it’d be nice to get some chocolates or something today, but that’d be nice on any other day of the week too.
Even with that feeling, for the first time since I ended my first real committed relationship almost 4 years ago, I finally feel content with being single. For much of my “single life” I have been caught between some emotional mess, either self inflicted or induced by my “him”. I was free from commitment, but was held hostage by the yearning for some emotional connection, regardless of whether that emotional connection was beneficial or damaging. For the first time, I actually feel free, not just single.
This feeling—I’m not even sure what to call it, content, happiness, peace, etc—didn’t come soley as a result of cutting certain dudes loose or ending cut buddy relationships. I finally made the decision to start unpacking my emotional baggage. Around this time last year, I realized that despite all of my external blessings, I felt tormented. I was constantly worried about something; the manifestation of my insecurities, looking a certain way to others, worrying that people would see my vulnerability, struggling to get over him, dealing with academic and employment pressures. All of that was anchored to my psyche and warped my self-perception, which of course impacted the way I carried myself around others, and thus impacted their perceptions of me.
Like many other single women, I am often met with the question “Why are you single?” Most recently, a man old enough to be my father (but didn’t look a day older than 35) tried to talk through what seemed to be his confusion about my relationship status. In many instances, I respond to question with a coy, yet deflecting response. I smirk through my annoyance at what sounds like an inquiry into what’s wrong with me. In the split seconds that stand between the question leaving his lips and my response, I often feel a bit defensive and echo the question my mind, like “Damn, why am I single?” For the first time, I feel confident to say that I am single because I want to be. I’m not single because some man who I want a commitment from won’t give me one. I’m not single because I just got dumped by an emotionally unavailable man. I’m not single because I’m undesirable or am too independent. I am single because I choose to be. I am single because I need to be.
When I think about what a successful relationships look like, and remember why my past relationships crashed and burned, I think back to my emotional state. Today, more than ever, I believe that one can’t be in a healthy relationship until he or she is in a healthy emotional space alone. Of course “healthy emotional space” does not mean perfect or free of all issues. While I wanted to be loved by another 1 year ago, I damn sure wasn’t ready to receive that love because of the difficulty I had accepting and loving myself. Many of us look to others to fill the pot-holes created by our emotional journey, and often wonder why he or she always seems to come up short in meeting our needs.
So yeah, I’m single on Valentine’s Day this year and I’m okay with that. What about you? Do you feel some kinda way about Valentine’s Day? Are you boo’d up on this day for lovers and Hallmark or are you flying solo? How many times have you seen or heard “Valentine’s” misspelled or mispronounced today? Have you ever gotten the “why are you single” question? Does it ever bother you?
